Thursday, May 27, 2004
I Survived
It was probably one of the hardest days of my life, trying to make it through the memorial and dealing with all of those people crying. The line was out the door, and I'd say there were easily 500 people that came through. I managed to hold it all together and keep dad strong, and we made it. I don't know how, but we did. Now I'm so exhausted I can barely see straight.
It was probably one of the hardest days of my life, trying to make it through the memorial and dealing with all of those people crying. The line was out the door, and I'd say there were easily 500 people that came through. I managed to hold it all together and keep dad strong, and we made it. I don't know how, but we did. Now I'm so exhausted I can barely see straight.
Sunday, May 23, 2004
Off
I'm pretty much universally loved by children and dogs. My 2-year-old neighbor adores me to no end. Today, she wanted nothing to do with me. Her 7-year-old brother ignored me. My friend's dog avoided me. What the hell? What kind of karma is off?
Now I'm watching Apocalypse Now. Yeah, that will help the depression. Coppola's directing is amazing, but it's still one of the darkest fucking movies I've ever seen. "I wanted a mission, and for my sins, they gave me one." Christ, how did anyone come out of Vietnam alive and sane? War does such terrible shit to people. How did I ever want to be military?
I'm pretty much universally loved by children and dogs. My 2-year-old neighbor adores me to no end. Today, she wanted nothing to do with me. Her 7-year-old brother ignored me. My friend's dog avoided me. What the hell? What kind of karma is off?
Now I'm watching Apocalypse Now. Yeah, that will help the depression. Coppola's directing is amazing, but it's still one of the darkest fucking movies I've ever seen. "I wanted a mission, and for my sins, they gave me one." Christ, how did anyone come out of Vietnam alive and sane? War does such terrible shit to people. How did I ever want to be military?
Wednesday, May 19, 2004
There are times in life where you feel like the darkness is closing in, as though there's no light at the end of the tunnel. I don't really know how to break out of it. I wonder if something is passing by just out of my reach.
As if Weddings Weren't Hard Enough
How do people actually manage to live in war zones? I wonder how they can go on with life -- getting married, eating, sleeping, raising children -- in the midst of all of this. The older I get, the less I understand how the world can be like this, which is the opposite of how most people operate.
How do people actually manage to live in war zones? I wonder how they can go on with life -- getting married, eating, sleeping, raising children -- in the midst of all of this. The older I get, the less I understand how the world can be like this, which is the opposite of how most people operate.
Tuesday, May 18, 2004
What Do You Do?
Ok, what do you do when the old "if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all" adage just won't work for you? What do you do when your boss asks a question and you can't find the answer, but the mere act of asking (and repeatedly micromanaging in classing beating-a-dead-horse fashion) makes you want to come unglued? What if there is absolutely nothing positive that you can manage to say? What if you start to talk and end up screaming at the top of your lungs? What then?
I'm starting to fear setting off on a rampage that will result in me getting fired from my completely lame-ass company.
Ok, what do you do when the old "if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all" adage just won't work for you? What do you do when your boss asks a question and you can't find the answer, but the mere act of asking (and repeatedly micromanaging in classing beating-a-dead-horse fashion) makes you want to come unglued? What if there is absolutely nothing positive that you can manage to say? What if you start to talk and end up screaming at the top of your lungs? What then?
I'm starting to fear setting off on a rampage that will result in me getting fired from my completely lame-ass company.
Monday, May 17, 2004
Monday
Just another Monday work sucking chaos mounting VP on my ass interim boss blowing sunshine new boss hired G's sister gives birth struggle to get through the day no balance at ballet feeling weak overwhelmed struggling and then like a miracle the night before another business trip there's sex amazing great and thank god because I'd almost forgotten what it was like.
Just another Monday work sucking chaos mounting VP on my ass interim boss blowing sunshine new boss hired G's sister gives birth struggle to get through the day no balance at ballet feeling weak overwhelmed struggling and then like a miracle the night before another business trip there's sex amazing great and thank god because I'd almost forgotten what it was like.
Saturday, May 15, 2004
My Absence
I haven't been writing much lately. Even though I posted some stuff last week, I didn't really write anything, just jotted a handful of thoughts. I think it's more than time to purge my brain.
Last Friday, my 55-year-old mother had a heart attack. Dad thought it was a panic attack as she was in the process of selling my grandmother's house, and anyone who knows my mother would know the stress that she's been under in recent years with Grandmom's demise and death and the decision to move on and sell her house, which of course leaves my mother feeling like she's betraying her mother. So Friday afternoon, Mom was complaining that she couldn't catch her breath. Of course, when you can't breathe, you panic, and the panic reduces your lung capacity even more. So my father decided to take her to the emergency room in the hopes that they could shoot her up with valium or something and end the cycle of hysteria. But, it turns out that when they ran the tests, she had actually had a moderate to severe heart attack.
So when you go to a hospital on a Friday afternoon, you can pretty much guarantee that they won't do anything with you until Monday because the hospital is essentially closed over the weekend. So for nearly three days, Mom spent her time strapped to EKG leads in intensive care, doing nothing other than complaining about the fact that she was sitting there. It wasn't until Monday that they did the cardiac catheterization and determined that she had two 100% blocked coronary arteries and a third that was 60% blocked. It took another two days to decide that they were going to opt for angioplasty and stenting vs. the bypass surgery.
Oddly, past the initial fear of the unknown, I was mostly ok through the whole six days of this ordeal. Once they had her stabilized I knew that it was ok and that medicine would fix her, but the long-term prognosis was up to her. She needs to lose weight. She needs to eat healthier. She needs to follow a diabetic diet. Will she do any of this? Time will tell.
I'm drained. I'm not sad or upset, just worn down. And when I finally got home on Thursday and saw C, I felt like I had been away for months. But then again, that might be partly due to the disconnect between us in the last month or so. It's never a good sign when you haven't had sex in a month, is it? But he spends so much time traveling, and then I was away with this... it's really so rare that we're both here together. We were supposed to go away this past weekend for our 6th anniversary, but that was canceled when I had to go home for my mother. So it's this incredible emotional distance that I haven't felt in ages, not since that summer that we were both away so much that we only saw each other three days in three months.
I need to reconnect with everything, even this blog, in the hopes that I can get out of my head and get back to normal.
I haven't been writing much lately. Even though I posted some stuff last week, I didn't really write anything, just jotted a handful of thoughts. I think it's more than time to purge my brain.
Last Friday, my 55-year-old mother had a heart attack. Dad thought it was a panic attack as she was in the process of selling my grandmother's house, and anyone who knows my mother would know the stress that she's been under in recent years with Grandmom's demise and death and the decision to move on and sell her house, which of course leaves my mother feeling like she's betraying her mother. So Friday afternoon, Mom was complaining that she couldn't catch her breath. Of course, when you can't breathe, you panic, and the panic reduces your lung capacity even more. So my father decided to take her to the emergency room in the hopes that they could shoot her up with valium or something and end the cycle of hysteria. But, it turns out that when they ran the tests, she had actually had a moderate to severe heart attack.
So when you go to a hospital on a Friday afternoon, you can pretty much guarantee that they won't do anything with you until Monday because the hospital is essentially closed over the weekend. So for nearly three days, Mom spent her time strapped to EKG leads in intensive care, doing nothing other than complaining about the fact that she was sitting there. It wasn't until Monday that they did the cardiac catheterization and determined that she had two 100% blocked coronary arteries and a third that was 60% blocked. It took another two days to decide that they were going to opt for angioplasty and stenting vs. the bypass surgery.
Oddly, past the initial fear of the unknown, I was mostly ok through the whole six days of this ordeal. Once they had her stabilized I knew that it was ok and that medicine would fix her, but the long-term prognosis was up to her. She needs to lose weight. She needs to eat healthier. She needs to follow a diabetic diet. Will she do any of this? Time will tell.
I'm drained. I'm not sad or upset, just worn down. And when I finally got home on Thursday and saw C, I felt like I had been away for months. But then again, that might be partly due to the disconnect between us in the last month or so. It's never a good sign when you haven't had sex in a month, is it? But he spends so much time traveling, and then I was away with this... it's really so rare that we're both here together. We were supposed to go away this past weekend for our 6th anniversary, but that was canceled when I had to go home for my mother. So it's this incredible emotional distance that I haven't felt in ages, not since that summer that we were both away so much that we only saw each other three days in three months.
I need to reconnect with everything, even this blog, in the hopes that I can get out of my head and get back to normal.
Money
So I owed my neighbor money for his elementary school walk-a-thon from a few weeks back. He comes over to collect and I write him a check. He looks at me, looks at the check.
"Where's the money?" he asks.
"That's it," I say. "It's a check. Same as money."
"I'm seven, I'm not stupid," he says with grand indignance. "This is just a piece of paper."
"Trust me, babe, it's the same thing."
He thinks about this for a moment. "All right, but if my teacher won't take it, I'm coming back for real money."
He leaves and goes back home. I hear him say to his dad, "Miss A gave me this stupid piece of paper. She wouldn't give me my money." I could hear his father laughing.
So I owed my neighbor money for his elementary school walk-a-thon from a few weeks back. He comes over to collect and I write him a check. He looks at me, looks at the check.
"Where's the money?" he asks.
"That's it," I say. "It's a check. Same as money."
"I'm seven, I'm not stupid," he says with grand indignance. "This is just a piece of paper."
"Trust me, babe, it's the same thing."
He thinks about this for a moment. "All right, but if my teacher won't take it, I'm coming back for real money."
He leaves and goes back home. I hear him say to his dad, "Miss A gave me this stupid piece of paper. She wouldn't give me my money." I could hear his father laughing.
Friday, May 14, 2004
Wonder No More
I always wondered how one would go about meeting a crown prince. Turns out that all you have to do is run into him at a bar in Sydney while he's there to watch Denmark compete in the Olympics. Who would have guessed?
Damn nice dress, though. Aside from the three mile train trailing behind her, it's really quite elegant. No poufy merengue dresses for her.
I always wondered how one would go about meeting a crown prince. Turns out that all you have to do is run into him at a bar in Sydney while he's there to watch Denmark compete in the Olympics. Who would have guessed?
Damn nice dress, though. Aside from the three mile train trailing behind her, it's really quite elegant. No poufy merengue dresses for her.
Thursday, May 06, 2004
2nd Interview
Survived the 2nd interview at SW. The first three meetings went well. The fourth was with the VP of the group, and he drilled me for an hour on my technical knowledge, my leadership ability, my understanding of the competitive marketplace and my strategic vision. I hope to god that he was looking for grace under pressure, not correct answers. Questions included, "In a such-and-so attack, what port is vulnerable?" One of the classics was "Define a polymorphic virus in 10 words or less." Oh, and also questions about load balancing and a bunch of shit I've never had any reason to know before. Off the top of my head? In an interview? Jesus christ.
So we'll see if I passed the test. I doubt it.
Survived the 2nd interview at SW. The first three meetings went well. The fourth was with the VP of the group, and he drilled me for an hour on my technical knowledge, my leadership ability, my understanding of the competitive marketplace and my strategic vision. I hope to god that he was looking for grace under pressure, not correct answers. Questions included, "In a such-and-so attack, what port is vulnerable?" One of the classics was "Define a polymorphic virus in 10 words or less." Oh, and also questions about load balancing and a bunch of shit I've never had any reason to know before. Off the top of my head? In an interview? Jesus christ.
So we'll see if I passed the test. I doubt it.
Are We Surprised?
So American soldiers were torturing Iraqi prisoners. Is this a surprise? I mean, I hate to make it seem like I have no faith in the military, but power corrupts, and there isn't much guidance going on over there. I could see it happening really easily, not just with Americans, but with any occupying power holding prisoners of war. I think that sort of thing is fairly common in a wartime setting. But taking pictures of it? What the hell? Are they for the scrapbook or something? I mean, what the hell were they thinking there?
So American soldiers were torturing Iraqi prisoners. Is this a surprise? I mean, I hate to make it seem like I have no faith in the military, but power corrupts, and there isn't much guidance going on over there. I could see it happening really easily, not just with Americans, but with any occupying power holding prisoners of war. I think that sort of thing is fairly common in a wartime setting. But taking pictures of it? What the hell? Are they for the scrapbook or something? I mean, what the hell were they thinking there?
Tuesday, May 04, 2004
Finally
So I finally did it. I finally went completely apeshit and just ranted and fumed and cursed like a drunken Philadelphian at a pool hall. I threatened resignation. I bitched. I fought. And in the end, it was in one ear, out the other. Like it never even happened. Just "Ok, I have another call. We'll talk later. Ok? Great." It felt like some sort of catharsis until I realized that it had no effect. Then it was just a waste of perfectly good adrenaline.
Interview on Thursday morning. My headhunter thinks it will come with an offer. God, I can only hope.
So I finally did it. I finally went completely apeshit and just ranted and fumed and cursed like a drunken Philadelphian at a pool hall. I threatened resignation. I bitched. I fought. And in the end, it was in one ear, out the other. Like it never even happened. Just "Ok, I have another call. We'll talk later. Ok? Great." It felt like some sort of catharsis until I realized that it had no effect. Then it was just a waste of perfectly good adrenaline.
Interview on Thursday morning. My headhunter thinks it will come with an offer. God, I can only hope.
Monday, May 03, 2004
Escapism
I've never been a quitter. I've only quit one job where I didn't have something better lined up to go to. I don't end relationships easily, without guilt and trauma. So explain why I'd like nothing more than throwing everything away, running off and starting all over again? I could honestly go with nothing but me and a comfy pair of jeans. Ok, I should probably wear a shirt, too, but you get the idea. But the problem is that the world doesn't work that way, and I can't just pack up and go. And even if I did leave, where would I go? Can't really head west from here. Are the middle states my only option? Do I have to go to Nebraska?
I've never been a quitter. I've only quit one job where I didn't have something better lined up to go to. I don't end relationships easily, without guilt and trauma. So explain why I'd like nothing more than throwing everything away, running off and starting all over again? I could honestly go with nothing but me and a comfy pair of jeans. Ok, I should probably wear a shirt, too, but you get the idea. But the problem is that the world doesn't work that way, and I can't just pack up and go. And even if I did leave, where would I go? Can't really head west from here. Are the middle states my only option? Do I have to go to Nebraska?
Beating a Dead Horse
Ok, this has been a recurring theme recently, but I have to say more. Some have told me that it's ok and normal not to want a baby. It doesn't feel that way. It feels like all the other girls in the world are in on some secret, and I just don't get it. Others have told me that every woman wants kids, and those who say that they don't just haven't found the right partner. Is that possible? I love C, and he's my best friend, but I could totally and completely see me being the single parent in our two-parent household. He won't cut back his hours, his travel schedule or his MBA time, so who will have to give up their career and life for it? Yes, I'm selfish. I know I'm selfish. What if something were to happen to C tomorrow. Would I forever regret that I never let him have a kid? I don't know. All I can think of is all the stuff I want to do with my life that I've never done. My career (as in the writer/marketing day-job part of my career) absolutely sucks. I've never amounted to anything. My business, while interesting and fun, isn't even remotely close to being a sustainable enterprise. So have I failed on both counts? If I were to die tomorrow, would I have even made a tiny mark on the universe? Will I have done something valuable and useful? I fear that the answer is no.
Ok, this has been a recurring theme recently, but I have to say more. Some have told me that it's ok and normal not to want a baby. It doesn't feel that way. It feels like all the other girls in the world are in on some secret, and I just don't get it. Others have told me that every woman wants kids, and those who say that they don't just haven't found the right partner. Is that possible? I love C, and he's my best friend, but I could totally and completely see me being the single parent in our two-parent household. He won't cut back his hours, his travel schedule or his MBA time, so who will have to give up their career and life for it? Yes, I'm selfish. I know I'm selfish. What if something were to happen to C tomorrow. Would I forever regret that I never let him have a kid? I don't know. All I can think of is all the stuff I want to do with my life that I've never done. My career (as in the writer/marketing day-job part of my career) absolutely sucks. I've never amounted to anything. My business, while interesting and fun, isn't even remotely close to being a sustainable enterprise. So have I failed on both counts? If I were to die tomorrow, would I have even made a tiny mark on the universe? Will I have done something valuable and useful? I fear that the answer is no.
Sunday, May 02, 2004
The List
C told me that I should make a list of things I want to do before I die, or at least the things that I think I really want to do. So here are some thoughts, in no particular order:
1) I want my business to be profitable, to prove that I can do it
2) I want to vacation alone, possibly to a spa
3) I want to live in a house with three or more bedrooms
4) I want people to think of me as being successful
5) I want to learn how to chop veggies at high speeds, like a chef
6) I want to figure out what I'm good at, and what I want to be when I grow up
7) I want to learn to run; if I can master that, I want to run a marathon
8) I want to be a good friend, good wife and good daughter, without sacrificing for everyone else at the exclusion of me
9) I want to drive a car that doesn't throw mechanical curveballs my way
10) I want to visit Tahiti, go back to Hawaii, and see Scandinavia, England and eastern Europe
11) I want to learn to stand my ground and not take any crap from anyone
12) I want to be strong and in control, physically and mentally
13) I want to help people be healthy, either as a pilates instructor or some sort of nutritionist
14) I want to explore the world outside my company
15) I want to be able to live without the antidepressants
16) I want C to be happy
17) I want to find whatever is in me that makes me want to write, but prevents anything good from coming out
18) I want to learn to take really good pictures
19) I want to learn to speak Italian or Dutch or just some language other than English or Spanish
20) I want people to smile when they think of me
C told me that I should make a list of things I want to do before I die, or at least the things that I think I really want to do. So here are some thoughts, in no particular order:
1) I want my business to be profitable, to prove that I can do it
2) I want to vacation alone, possibly to a spa
3) I want to live in a house with three or more bedrooms
4) I want people to think of me as being successful
5) I want to learn how to chop veggies at high speeds, like a chef
6) I want to figure out what I'm good at, and what I want to be when I grow up
7) I want to learn to run; if I can master that, I want to run a marathon
8) I want to be a good friend, good wife and good daughter, without sacrificing for everyone else at the exclusion of me
9) I want to drive a car that doesn't throw mechanical curveballs my way
10) I want to visit Tahiti, go back to Hawaii, and see Scandinavia, England and eastern Europe
11) I want to learn to stand my ground and not take any crap from anyone
12) I want to be strong and in control, physically and mentally
13) I want to help people be healthy, either as a pilates instructor or some sort of nutritionist
14) I want to explore the world outside my company
15) I want to be able to live without the antidepressants
16) I want C to be happy
17) I want to find whatever is in me that makes me want to write, but prevents anything good from coming out
18) I want to learn to take really good pictures
19) I want to learn to speak Italian or Dutch or just some language other than English or Spanish
20) I want people to smile when they think of me
Better Now
Ok, I've recovered from yesterday, although the sentiments remain the same. A tough morning workout tends to put the universe in some sort of perspective. Also cleaning the house while listening to The Princess Bride on TV... as though I can't do the dialogue from memory anyway.
I've got a poem by Yeats stuck in my head, and it's all about work:
Things fall apart; the center cannot hold
Mere anarchy is loosed upon the world...
...The best lack all conviction, while the worst
Are full of passionate intensity.
I dread work. Sundays are harsh in anticipation of Monday, but I won't let it get to me today. I'm going to try to stay positive. Lord help me.
Ok, I've recovered from yesterday, although the sentiments remain the same. A tough morning workout tends to put the universe in some sort of perspective. Also cleaning the house while listening to The Princess Bride on TV... as though I can't do the dialogue from memory anyway.
I've got a poem by Yeats stuck in my head, and it's all about work:
Things fall apart; the center cannot hold
Mere anarchy is loosed upon the world...
...The best lack all conviction, while the worst
Are full of passionate intensity.
I dread work. Sundays are harsh in anticipation of Monday, but I won't let it get to me today. I'm going to try to stay positive. Lord help me.
Saturday, May 01, 2004
Another
J&K announced that she's three months pregnant while we were painting the baby's room for T&D. Christ almighty. I can't deal. I just can't. I feel like my life is narrowing, like the walls are closing in, and all that's left is one single option and that is to give up the life I'm living and sacrifice everything I've ever wanted in exchange for a kid. I feel numb. I feel sick. I feel trapped.
J&K announced that she's three months pregnant while we were painting the baby's room for T&D. Christ almighty. I can't deal. I just can't. I feel like my life is narrowing, like the walls are closing in, and all that's left is one single option and that is to give up the life I'm living and sacrifice everything I've ever wanted in exchange for a kid. I feel numb. I feel sick. I feel trapped.
No
I am a terrible person. I don't want to help my friends paint the baby's room. I don't want anything to do with the baby-to-be. I feel like I shouldn't be condoning this behavior, and I don't want their baby staring me in the face like some sort of alarm waiting to go off. "Rrrrriiinnggg! Time's up! Even your husband thinks you should be pregnant. It's time. Go off the pill, give up your life and have a kid."
Do I sound bitter? I feel bitter right now. No, I feel more confused and betrayed than bitter. I just always thought I'd have more time.
I am a terrible person. I don't want to help my friends paint the baby's room. I don't want anything to do with the baby-to-be. I feel like I shouldn't be condoning this behavior, and I don't want their baby staring me in the face like some sort of alarm waiting to go off. "Rrrrriiinnggg! Time's up! Even your husband thinks you should be pregnant. It's time. Go off the pill, give up your life and have a kid."
Do I sound bitter? I feel bitter right now. No, I feel more confused and betrayed than bitter. I just always thought I'd have more time.
