Friday, August 29, 2003
CNN.com Headline
"Gates on Worms"
I know what they mean, but that's not how it reads.
"Gates on Worms"
I know what they mean, but that's not how it reads.
Another Reason
Yet another reason why I'm glad I didn't go to the academy. Granted, Air Force was my second choice behind Navy, but still... I'm sure it's no better in Anapolis.
Yet another reason why I'm glad I didn't go to the academy. Granted, Air Force was my second choice behind Navy, but still... I'm sure it's no better in Anapolis.
Mind Racing
I'll do this in realtime as things shoot through my brain.
I can't believe the insurance company is so fucked up, I mean, how hard can it be to get a check and process it within a week so now I'm totally maxed out on my pathetic little business Visa (ok within $130 of maxed out) and I still have a boatload of stuff that I need to buy thank god for debit cards I never used one of them before because I've always relied on credit but this is totally ridiculous that I'm cutting things so closely because I have no credit established in the name of the business and now I'll never be able to order brochures or t-shirts because I've got no leeway on my credit card and that sucks I feel like a college student again I should eat nothing but rice and pasta at least pasta is good I swear the Italians make the best food, even if they're a lawless, wild bunch of lunatics that follow no rules I don't think I could live in Italy I think I'm more suited to sensible places in the more northern parts of Europe like maybe England since there isn't too much of a language barrier I could be like Madonna and what was with her kissing Britney Spears last night correct me if I'm wrong, but that picture looked to me like there was tongue involved which seems totally Madonna but I just didn't expect that out of little miss Britney but who's to say what should or shouldn't be expected by anyone these days you never know what to expect like Gretchen's cousin being murdered and you try to wrap your brain around what happens when everything goes wrong but it's so impossible to comprehend and you feel like it's the wake up call you need to live your life which is why you do crazy stuff like starting your own business because maybe one day you won't be able to or you'll have two really obnoxious misbehaving kids and wonder where your life has gone and wish you'd traveled when you had the chance which is why I'm so adamant about taking this vacation to Europe even though it's happening at the single most inconvenient time for me but what if I'm hit by a bus or get pregnant or file for bankruptcy then what then I'll have never seen the Eiffel Tower or the Alps or Venice and then what?
Never let it be said that I'm not totally, 100% neurotic.
I'll do this in realtime as things shoot through my brain.
I can't believe the insurance company is so fucked up, I mean, how hard can it be to get a check and process it within a week so now I'm totally maxed out on my pathetic little business Visa (ok within $130 of maxed out) and I still have a boatload of stuff that I need to buy thank god for debit cards I never used one of them before because I've always relied on credit but this is totally ridiculous that I'm cutting things so closely because I have no credit established in the name of the business and now I'll never be able to order brochures or t-shirts because I've got no leeway on my credit card and that sucks I feel like a college student again I should eat nothing but rice and pasta at least pasta is good I swear the Italians make the best food, even if they're a lawless, wild bunch of lunatics that follow no rules I don't think I could live in Italy I think I'm more suited to sensible places in the more northern parts of Europe like maybe England since there isn't too much of a language barrier I could be like Madonna and what was with her kissing Britney Spears last night correct me if I'm wrong, but that picture looked to me like there was tongue involved which seems totally Madonna but I just didn't expect that out of little miss Britney but who's to say what should or shouldn't be expected by anyone these days you never know what to expect like Gretchen's cousin being murdered and you try to wrap your brain around what happens when everything goes wrong but it's so impossible to comprehend and you feel like it's the wake up call you need to live your life which is why you do crazy stuff like starting your own business because maybe one day you won't be able to or you'll have two really obnoxious misbehaving kids and wonder where your life has gone and wish you'd traveled when you had the chance which is why I'm so adamant about taking this vacation to Europe even though it's happening at the single most inconvenient time for me but what if I'm hit by a bus or get pregnant or file for bankruptcy then what then I'll have never seen the Eiffel Tower or the Alps or Venice and then what?
Never let it be said that I'm not totally, 100% neurotic.
Thursday, August 28, 2003
Wednesday, August 27, 2003
Space Shuttle
The more I read about the Columbia disaster report, the sadder it becomes. It's tragic to think that bureaucracy and budgetary limitations resulted in the deaths of seven bright and talented people. But I don't think that the report is necessarily a condemnation of NASA as a whole. It's really just an analysis of human nature. When testing things, you naturally want to prove that your hypothesis is correct, and you'll set up your tests to get the result you want. Is it intentionally negligent? No. Will it always come back to bite you in the ass? No. But I think that's just the instinct. Whether it's software or medical devices or toys or financial analysis, you work the data to give you the results you want to see, or the results that you're looking for. And when you're talking about something like a space shuttle, with a zillion government-sourced parts, and multiple layers of software and hardware, it's really astonishing that we don't have more earth-shatteringly consequential problems than we have. Yes, we've lost two shuttles. But when you consider that these machines are built and tested with 25-year-old technology, it's remarkable that they ever make it off the ground in the first place.
There are lots of people that think the space program should be halted. I'm not one of them. There will always be risks with space travel, and the astronauts and their families know this. I think I still cling to my childhood dreams of space, and for that reason alone I'm willing to let anyone with the balls to handle it get back into the pilot's seat and head towards the heavens. At least with Columbia they had the chance to spend their time in space. They died having had the experience of a lifetime. What more can you really ask for?
The more I read about the Columbia disaster report, the sadder it becomes. It's tragic to think that bureaucracy and budgetary limitations resulted in the deaths of seven bright and talented people. But I don't think that the report is necessarily a condemnation of NASA as a whole. It's really just an analysis of human nature. When testing things, you naturally want to prove that your hypothesis is correct, and you'll set up your tests to get the result you want. Is it intentionally negligent? No. Will it always come back to bite you in the ass? No. But I think that's just the instinct. Whether it's software or medical devices or toys or financial analysis, you work the data to give you the results you want to see, or the results that you're looking for. And when you're talking about something like a space shuttle, with a zillion government-sourced parts, and multiple layers of software and hardware, it's really astonishing that we don't have more earth-shatteringly consequential problems than we have. Yes, we've lost two shuttles. But when you consider that these machines are built and tested with 25-year-old technology, it's remarkable that they ever make it off the ground in the first place.
There are lots of people that think the space program should be halted. I'm not one of them. There will always be risks with space travel, and the astronauts and their families know this. I think I still cling to my childhood dreams of space, and for that reason alone I'm willing to let anyone with the balls to handle it get back into the pilot's seat and head towards the heavens. At least with Columbia they had the chance to spend their time in space. They died having had the experience of a lifetime. What more can you really ask for?
What's Wrong With People?
Another office gunman strikes the midwest. I just don't get it. However, the weird thing is that I had a dream last night that one of my coworkers came into the office with a gun and started shooting. I just didn't understand what his problem was. But then again, does anyone really understand why people do these sorts of irrational things?
Another office gunman strikes the midwest. I just don't get it. However, the weird thing is that I had a dream last night that one of my coworkers came into the office with a gun and started shooting. I just didn't understand what his problem was. But then again, does anyone really understand why people do these sorts of irrational things?
Tuesday, August 26, 2003
Perky?
Yesterday I'm on the phone making the endless round of calls to get utilities set up for the business. I'm talking with the girl from the electric company (I say girl because she sounded like she was about 11 years old). She's asking me about the business, just to make conversation, and mentions that she's really impressed that I would get into something now in this crappy economy. So then she says the most astounding thing. "I know you'll be successful," she says. "You sound really perky." Perky? I've been called many things during my 30 years on this earth -- sarcastic being a leading candidate -- but never once have I been called perky. It was quite a shock.
Yesterday I'm on the phone making the endless round of calls to get utilities set up for the business. I'm talking with the girl from the electric company (I say girl because she sounded like she was about 11 years old). She's asking me about the business, just to make conversation, and mentions that she's really impressed that I would get into something now in this crappy economy. So then she says the most astounding thing. "I know you'll be successful," she says. "You sound really perky." Perky? I've been called many things during my 30 years on this earth -- sarcastic being a leading candidate -- but never once have I been called perky. It was quite a shock.
Monday, August 25, 2003
Sacrifices
This is the first day when I've started to wonder if we'll really have to sacrifice vacation. I don't want to. I want to go to Europe and see everything, but I'm just starting to get scared. I really don't know that I can do it all, or at the very least, do it all right. God, this is depressing. I have such terrible fears that with all of the bad stuff going on in the world, I have to travel now for fear that the things I want to see might be inaccessible or gone when I finally have the chance.
This is the first day when I've started to wonder if we'll really have to sacrifice vacation. I don't want to. I want to go to Europe and see everything, but I'm just starting to get scared. I really don't know that I can do it all, or at the very least, do it all right. God, this is depressing. I have such terrible fears that with all of the bad stuff going on in the world, I have to travel now for fear that the things I want to see might be inaccessible or gone when I finally have the chance.
Sunday, August 24, 2003
Restless
There's not much that can be done on a Sunday, and yet I feel like a slacker for not doing anything. Isn't that a fabulous conundrum?
There's not much that can be done on a Sunday, and yet I feel like a slacker for not doing anything. Isn't that a fabulous conundrum?
Friday, August 22, 2003
Can't Get It Out Of My Head
Another song stuck in my head, Sarah McLachlan's Angel:
Spend all your time waiting for that second chance
For a break that would make it okay
There's always one reason
To feel not good enough, and it's hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction... oh beautiful release
Memory seeps from my veins
Let me be empty, and weightless and maybe
I'll find some peace tonight
In the arms of an angel
Fly away from here
From this dark cold hotel room
And the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage
Of your silent reverie
You're in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort here
Another song stuck in my head, Sarah McLachlan's Angel:
Spend all your time waiting for that second chance
For a break that would make it okay
There's always one reason
To feel not good enough, and it's hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction... oh beautiful release
Memory seeps from my veins
Let me be empty, and weightless and maybe
I'll find some peace tonight
In the arms of an angel
Fly away from here
From this dark cold hotel room
And the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage
Of your silent reverie
You're in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort here
Thursday, August 21, 2003
D-Day
This is the day I sign the lease. There's been a lot of controversy. C is adamant that if I can't get a 10/1 start date that we have to cancel the vacation that we've planned for his 30th birthday. I, of course, won't let that happen. But the other party in my lease negotiations is adamant about a 9/1 takeover date. She's been very supportive otherwise, offering me instructor lists and details about fee structures and insurance. In all honesty, she's been more helpful than what I would imagine a competitor to be. Nonetheless, it would still be better if I could work out the 10/1 date. I know it's impossible. I just don't want to feel like I'm fighting an uphill battle with C. I see his point, and I understand it, but sometimes you have to make sacrifices to make sure that everything works out ok in the long run. I think it's the right thing to do. But I'm drained. I just want to curl up into a ball and silently freak out.
This is the day I sign the lease. There's been a lot of controversy. C is adamant that if I can't get a 10/1 start date that we have to cancel the vacation that we've planned for his 30th birthday. I, of course, won't let that happen. But the other party in my lease negotiations is adamant about a 9/1 takeover date. She's been very supportive otherwise, offering me instructor lists and details about fee structures and insurance. In all honesty, she's been more helpful than what I would imagine a competitor to be. Nonetheless, it would still be better if I could work out the 10/1 date. I know it's impossible. I just don't want to feel like I'm fighting an uphill battle with C. I see his point, and I understand it, but sometimes you have to make sacrifices to make sure that everything works out ok in the long run. I think it's the right thing to do. But I'm drained. I just want to curl up into a ball and silently freak out.
Wednesday, August 20, 2003
The Oompa-Loompa
There is a guy that works here, middle-aged and probably Pakistani or some other neighboring culture. He's short, squat, and wears clothes that are far too large and far too baggy, like he's trying to look like some sort of trendy inner-city black kid. I have no idea what his name is, but I've nicknamed him the Oompa-Loompa, because he just kind of looks like what you'd imagine an oompa-loompa to look like.
There is a guy that works here, middle-aged and probably Pakistani or some other neighboring culture. He's short, squat, and wears clothes that are far too large and far too baggy, like he's trying to look like some sort of trendy inner-city black kid. I have no idea what his name is, but I've nicknamed him the Oompa-Loompa, because he just kind of looks like what you'd imagine an oompa-loompa to look like.
Latest Spam
From Kinky Girl: What's Your Fetish?
Too bad you can't write back and tell her that I have a real fetish for sensible shoes....
From Kinky Girl: What's Your Fetish?
Too bad you can't write back and tell her that I have a real fetish for sensible shoes....
Sensible, Not Sexy
The good news is that my tendinitis in my foot seems to be healing pretty well. The only problem is that in order to achieve such wonders of healing, I've had to resort to what is commonly known as "sensible shoes". I had hoped to be able to pull off a look that was sporty and stylish. Instead, I'm working on a style that looks more like prison matron or nun (I was thinking Amish, but I'm not sure that they would support the synthetic soles of the shoes). I would be delighted to once again wear a pair of graceful heels, but for now I'll have to settle for these black lace-up Timberlands, and be thankful that I don't have to make any first impressions on anyone over the next few days.
The good news is that my tendinitis in my foot seems to be healing pretty well. The only problem is that in order to achieve such wonders of healing, I've had to resort to what is commonly known as "sensible shoes". I had hoped to be able to pull off a look that was sporty and stylish. Instead, I'm working on a style that looks more like prison matron or nun (I was thinking Amish, but I'm not sure that they would support the synthetic soles of the shoes). I would be delighted to once again wear a pair of graceful heels, but for now I'll have to settle for these black lace-up Timberlands, and be thankful that I don't have to make any first impressions on anyone over the next few days.
Tuesday, August 19, 2003
Lease Signing
I'll be signing the lease this week, probably Thursday. Wow. Is this just unbelievable or what? I'm still lacking a fallback plan, if the studio idea fails and I have this empty space for 2 1/2 years. Maybe I'll make it into an art gallery and sell some of my really bad paintings. Even if I only sold one, it would be funny and be quite an item for my resume. "Professional artist and gallery owner". Ha!
I'm still scared. I don't think there will ever be a time when I won't be scared. This is absolutely enormous, and I don't know that I have the skills to make it work. However, I have to figure that I'm at least marginally smarter than the average citizen, and that there are people who have run successful businesses with a lot less insight, understanding and intelligence than I could offer. Right? Please ignore the sweaty palms and trembling fingers and tell me that everything will be great.
I think I need to come back down to earth. Maybe I'll visit my friends' puppy tonight. Nothing like a little puppy love to make things seem brighter.
On a related note, last night I went outside and my 1 1/2 year old neighbor, Emily, came running towards me, arms outstretched. She loves it when I pick her up high over my head or flip her over. It makes her giggle like a lunatic. So I reach down to scoop her up and she shouts, "NO!" with all the force that a toddler can muster. I'm sort of shocked, so I say, "No?" She shakes her head and says, "Ugggs." This is a new word. I ask, "Do you want a hug?" She nods, I give her a hug, and she laughs like crazy and runs off. Yeah, I think she's a keeper. So damned cute.
I'll be signing the lease this week, probably Thursday. Wow. Is this just unbelievable or what? I'm still lacking a fallback plan, if the studio idea fails and I have this empty space for 2 1/2 years. Maybe I'll make it into an art gallery and sell some of my really bad paintings. Even if I only sold one, it would be funny and be quite an item for my resume. "Professional artist and gallery owner". Ha!
I'm still scared. I don't think there will ever be a time when I won't be scared. This is absolutely enormous, and I don't know that I have the skills to make it work. However, I have to figure that I'm at least marginally smarter than the average citizen, and that there are people who have run successful businesses with a lot less insight, understanding and intelligence than I could offer. Right? Please ignore the sweaty palms and trembling fingers and tell me that everything will be great.
I think I need to come back down to earth. Maybe I'll visit my friends' puppy tonight. Nothing like a little puppy love to make things seem brighter.
On a related note, last night I went outside and my 1 1/2 year old neighbor, Emily, came running towards me, arms outstretched. She loves it when I pick her up high over my head or flip her over. It makes her giggle like a lunatic. So I reach down to scoop her up and she shouts, "NO!" with all the force that a toddler can muster. I'm sort of shocked, so I say, "No?" She shakes her head and says, "Ugggs." This is a new word. I ask, "Do you want a hug?" She nods, I give her a hug, and she laughs like crazy and runs off. Yeah, I think she's a keeper. So damned cute.
Monday, August 18, 2003
Anxiety
I've looked at a copy of the master lease for the studio. 13 pages of legalese is daunting and starts to make me really seriously wonder what the hell I'm doing. Just because I want to do something doesn't mean that I'm cut out for it. The nasty voices of self-doubt are getting very loud in my head these days. I don't know if I should just bail out while I still have the chance or not. I'm just so very freaked out by this, even more freaked out than I was when we bought the house, which should have been scarier than this. I'm trying not to panic. Breathing is difficult. What if no one ever comes to the classes? What if I have absolutely no revenue whatsoever? What if I become a depressed, washed-up failure at 30? I think I'm going to have to start drinking heavily. At least then I can blame my failure on my alcoholism.
I've looked at a copy of the master lease for the studio. 13 pages of legalese is daunting and starts to make me really seriously wonder what the hell I'm doing. Just because I want to do something doesn't mean that I'm cut out for it. The nasty voices of self-doubt are getting very loud in my head these days. I don't know if I should just bail out while I still have the chance or not. I'm just so very freaked out by this, even more freaked out than I was when we bought the house, which should have been scarier than this. I'm trying not to panic. Breathing is difficult. What if no one ever comes to the classes? What if I have absolutely no revenue whatsoever? What if I become a depressed, washed-up failure at 30? I think I'm going to have to start drinking heavily. At least then I can blame my failure on my alcoholism.
Sunday, August 17, 2003
Weekends
Never before has leftover pork roast led to six hours of drinking, partying, laughing and completely ridiculous board games like it did Friday night. It's bad when the 6-year-olds of the household tell you you're being loud. It's also probably a bad sign when you have neighbors offering you the opportunity to partake in illegal substances. Yee-ha.
Needless to say, Saturday morning was really, really rough and came way too quickly. I did learn a valuable lesson, though: when I've been drinking and finally come home to crash, all I really want to do is sleep. Sex is just not a priority. I think that's one of those signs that I've gotten old.
Never before has leftover pork roast led to six hours of drinking, partying, laughing and completely ridiculous board games like it did Friday night. It's bad when the 6-year-olds of the household tell you you're being loud. It's also probably a bad sign when you have neighbors offering you the opportunity to partake in illegal substances. Yee-ha.
Needless to say, Saturday morning was really, really rough and came way too quickly. I did learn a valuable lesson, though: when I've been drinking and finally come home to crash, all I really want to do is sleep. Sex is just not a priority. I think that's one of those signs that I've gotten old.
Friday, August 15, 2003
The Witness
Driving home from work yesterday, I'm making a right-hand turn at one of those intersections where the right lane is separated by one of those little concrete triangles to ease you into the merge lane. As I'm looking left towards the oncoming traffic, waiting to make my move, I hear the screech and the bang of an accident. I turn to see bumpers torn loose, glass and plastic pieces flying, and two cars going in opposite directions, each now perpendicular to traffic. As the Acura blasts towards my side, air bags inflated, a third car comes along and clips the back bumper of the Acura, changing its trajectory ever-so-slightly so as to be sending it directly towards me. A split second later, the car comes to rest against the curb, less than 1 1/2 feet from my front bumper. I called 911, hung out to talk to the cops and watched the proceedings. I felt bad for the Acura guy, lying on the ground hurt, because the paramedics seemed more concerned with my wellbeing than his. "Are you ok? Is your car ok? Do you need any treatment?" Geez, man, why don't you just offer to give me mouth-to-mouth? I shouldn't have felt too bad, though. Other witnesses say that he was speeding and he nailed the other guy as he was pulling out of the gas station.
So now I'm on the hook as a witness to the accident. Not exactly the position I wanted to be in, but there wasn't much else I could do.
Driving home from work yesterday, I'm making a right-hand turn at one of those intersections where the right lane is separated by one of those little concrete triangles to ease you into the merge lane. As I'm looking left towards the oncoming traffic, waiting to make my move, I hear the screech and the bang of an accident. I turn to see bumpers torn loose, glass and plastic pieces flying, and two cars going in opposite directions, each now perpendicular to traffic. As the Acura blasts towards my side, air bags inflated, a third car comes along and clips the back bumper of the Acura, changing its trajectory ever-so-slightly so as to be sending it directly towards me. A split second later, the car comes to rest against the curb, less than 1 1/2 feet from my front bumper. I called 911, hung out to talk to the cops and watched the proceedings. I felt bad for the Acura guy, lying on the ground hurt, because the paramedics seemed more concerned with my wellbeing than his. "Are you ok? Is your car ok? Do you need any treatment?" Geez, man, why don't you just offer to give me mouth-to-mouth? I shouldn't have felt too bad, though. Other witnesses say that he was speeding and he nailed the other guy as he was pulling out of the gas station.
So now I'm on the hook as a witness to the accident. Not exactly the position I wanted to be in, but there wasn't much else I could do.
Thursday, August 14, 2003
Lights Out
Ok, I'll admit it. I had a minor-league panic attack when R called me and told me that the majority of the northeast has a blackout. I thought it was terrorists. I really did. After all, some of those cities aren't even on the same power grid. But they're saying that it was run-of-the-mill August overload that caused the Con Ed circuit to blow. Still, though, I'm very uneasy.
Ok, I'll admit it. I had a minor-league panic attack when R called me and told me that the majority of the northeast has a blackout. I thought it was terrorists. I really did. After all, some of those cities aren't even on the same power grid. But they're saying that it was run-of-the-mill August overload that caused the Con Ed circuit to blow. Still, though, I'm very uneasy.
Thursday Morning Thoughts
I was just pulled into the Friendster network this morning. This reminds me of something similar from the 90s... I don't remember what it was called, but I remember being hooked up to some people from work back when I was in Philly. I seem to remember that there was one member of our Friendster-like clique who largely carried the entire group.
Called mom today for her birthday. The poor woman is so depressed about being trapped at home with her dying mother. I can't say I blame her. My grandmother is just a hollow human shell. While she's technically still alive, and sometimes responsive, she's primarily a body without a soul. I wonder what's worse: having your parent die outright or having your parent stop living. I think that it would be worse to see the emptiness in a living body.
Good lord, I just got an e-mail selling Halloween stuff. It's not even Labor Day. Who thinks about Halloween this far in advance?
I'm not sure I ever really think about it at all.
Vacation starts in three weeks. I'll be back east for almost a week, and then I get to spend two weeks in Europe. I'm really glad I'm getting the chance to do this. Of course, my mother keeps making references to terrorists and shoulder-fired missiles and all sorts of depressing and terrifying things, but I just don't think I can worry about that. I think it would be really easy to be a prisoner of my own fears, and I'm just not willing to let that happen. There's just too much stuff to see and do in the world. I refuse to sit at home and worry that the bad people will come after me just because I happened to be born in a particular country. I really don't understand it. I don't understand wars. I can't even imagine hating a group of people so much to warrant going to war with them. And I don't really get how the terrorists, who have issues with the government, can justify taking out civilians. Wars used to be fought with rules and with honor. Anything that deliberately targets civilians is just unforgivable, and you wonder how twisted minds can justify that as being acceptable to any god. I think this is my fundamental problem with organized religion, the exclusion and self-righteousness that accompanies the "true believers". Even my nana, the most mild-mannered, well-intentioned woman on the earth, is your basic gentle, god-fearing bigot. She firmly believes that everyone is accepted into god's kingdom... as long as they look and act like her.
I was just pulled into the Friendster network this morning. This reminds me of something similar from the 90s... I don't remember what it was called, but I remember being hooked up to some people from work back when I was in Philly. I seem to remember that there was one member of our Friendster-like clique who largely carried the entire group.
Called mom today for her birthday. The poor woman is so depressed about being trapped at home with her dying mother. I can't say I blame her. My grandmother is just a hollow human shell. While she's technically still alive, and sometimes responsive, she's primarily a body without a soul. I wonder what's worse: having your parent die outright or having your parent stop living. I think that it would be worse to see the emptiness in a living body.
Good lord, I just got an e-mail selling Halloween stuff. It's not even Labor Day. Who thinks about Halloween this far in advance?
I'm not sure I ever really think about it at all.
Vacation starts in three weeks. I'll be back east for almost a week, and then I get to spend two weeks in Europe. I'm really glad I'm getting the chance to do this. Of course, my mother keeps making references to terrorists and shoulder-fired missiles and all sorts of depressing and terrifying things, but I just don't think I can worry about that. I think it would be really easy to be a prisoner of my own fears, and I'm just not willing to let that happen. There's just too much stuff to see and do in the world. I refuse to sit at home and worry that the bad people will come after me just because I happened to be born in a particular country. I really don't understand it. I don't understand wars. I can't even imagine hating a group of people so much to warrant going to war with them. And I don't really get how the terrorists, who have issues with the government, can justify taking out civilians. Wars used to be fought with rules and with honor. Anything that deliberately targets civilians is just unforgivable, and you wonder how twisted minds can justify that as being acceptable to any god. I think this is my fundamental problem with organized religion, the exclusion and self-righteousness that accompanies the "true believers". Even my nana, the most mild-mannered, well-intentioned woman on the earth, is your basic gentle, god-fearing bigot. She firmly believes that everyone is accepted into god's kingdom... as long as they look and act like her.
Wednesday, August 13, 2003
On the Move
Credit approved, lease coming next week. Oh dear god, I'm a business owner. This is completely insane. Am I really able to handle this, or is it just the power of completely delusional optimism that makes me think I can?
Credit approved, lease coming next week. Oh dear god, I'm a business owner. This is completely insane. Am I really able to handle this, or is it just the power of completely delusional optimism that makes me think I can?
Tuesday, August 12, 2003
More Fiction
for J, who had this sort of thing happen all too often
"Get up!" He heard them shouting, but the voices seemed distant, even when the shouts were accompanied by kicks. "Get the fuck up now!" He tried to push his belly off the cold concrete, trying to roll over, but pain shot through his bruised body in electric waves.
"Jesus Christ, I think he's dying," one yelled at a high octave with terror in his voice. "Shit! Don't you dare die, you little fuck. Do you hear me?" He could sense that someone was pacing. He could feel the footsteps vibrating through the damp concrete. Even small sensations of movement were unbearable. Was he dying? At that moment, fear of death had been overshadowed by fear of pain.
An older, deeper voice reached through the chaos, through the ringing in his ears. "He ain't gonna die," the voice said. "Quit your whining. He ain't gonna die."
"Fuck!" cried the younger voice. "Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck!"
"You watch your mouth," said the deeper voice. "You don't want me tellin' your momma, do ya?"
"No, sir." the words had been meant to sound authoritative, but instead came out in a whimper.
"All right. Now give me a hand."
He felt a bolt of excruciating pain shoot through his body as four hands grabbed him and pulled him upright. He couldn't put any weight on his legs. His back felt like ground beef. He could barely see through the slits in his swollen eyes. The deeper voice spoke again.
"We'll take him to Hartsburg," he said. "I know a place where we can dump him off."
"He's gotta go to a doctor," cried the other, his voice higher than ever.
"No doctors," said deep voice. "Y'all want to get in trouble with the law for this? We either take him to Hartsburg or we leave him here to die. Your choice."
They were trying to walk with him now, so he assumed that they were heading for the truck. "Next time you boys decide you want to beat up on a fairy, y'all better be sure you know when to stop. I ain't gonna be here to save your ass every time."
They tossed the near lifeless body into the back of the pickup. The pain was like an inferno now, all-consuming. His body let out an involuntary shriek before losing consciousness.
for J, who had this sort of thing happen all too often
"Get up!" He heard them shouting, but the voices seemed distant, even when the shouts were accompanied by kicks. "Get the fuck up now!" He tried to push his belly off the cold concrete, trying to roll over, but pain shot through his bruised body in electric waves.
"Jesus Christ, I think he's dying," one yelled at a high octave with terror in his voice. "Shit! Don't you dare die, you little fuck. Do you hear me?" He could sense that someone was pacing. He could feel the footsteps vibrating through the damp concrete. Even small sensations of movement were unbearable. Was he dying? At that moment, fear of death had been overshadowed by fear of pain.
An older, deeper voice reached through the chaos, through the ringing in his ears. "He ain't gonna die," the voice said. "Quit your whining. He ain't gonna die."
"Fuck!" cried the younger voice. "Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck!"
"You watch your mouth," said the deeper voice. "You don't want me tellin' your momma, do ya?"
"No, sir." the words had been meant to sound authoritative, but instead came out in a whimper.
"All right. Now give me a hand."
He felt a bolt of excruciating pain shoot through his body as four hands grabbed him and pulled him upright. He couldn't put any weight on his legs. His back felt like ground beef. He could barely see through the slits in his swollen eyes. The deeper voice spoke again.
"We'll take him to Hartsburg," he said. "I know a place where we can dump him off."
"He's gotta go to a doctor," cried the other, his voice higher than ever.
"No doctors," said deep voice. "Y'all want to get in trouble with the law for this? We either take him to Hartsburg or we leave him here to die. Your choice."
They were trying to walk with him now, so he assumed that they were heading for the truck. "Next time you boys decide you want to beat up on a fairy, y'all better be sure you know when to stop. I ain't gonna be here to save your ass every time."
They tossed the near lifeless body into the back of the pickup. The pain was like an inferno now, all-consuming. His body let out an involuntary shriek before losing consciousness.
Feet
"Yep, it's definitely tendinitis," says the doctor. "You should really try using it as little as possible." How impossible, I think. It's a foot, after all. It's fairly useful in everyday activities. I'd hate to be without it. "You should ice it twice a day," she continues, "and be sure to take Motrin at least twice daily for two weeks to relieve the inflammation." Sure, my foot may feel better, but the Motrin will eat a hole through my stomach. You just can't win sometimes.
"Yep, it's definitely tendinitis," says the doctor. "You should really try using it as little as possible." How impossible, I think. It's a foot, after all. It's fairly useful in everyday activities. I'd hate to be without it. "You should ice it twice a day," she continues, "and be sure to take Motrin at least twice daily for two weeks to relieve the inflammation." Sure, my foot may feel better, but the Motrin will eat a hole through my stomach. You just can't win sometimes.
Monday, August 11, 2003
Fiction Snapshot
Awake in the darkness, the sound of distant traffic and nearby frogs filling the air. A gentle breeze stirs the air, dancing with the sheer white curtains tinged blue with the light of the full moon. He rolls over towards her, deeply asleep, reaching for her instinctively like a child with a stuffed animal. A look of comfort and peace passes over his face as he finds her, as though he's now complete. She wraps his arm around herself, clutching him tightly. She is beyond harm's reach when he's with her.
Awake in the darkness, the sound of distant traffic and nearby frogs filling the air. A gentle breeze stirs the air, dancing with the sheer white curtains tinged blue with the light of the full moon. He rolls over towards her, deeply asleep, reaching for her instinctively like a child with a stuffed animal. A look of comfort and peace passes over his face as he finds her, as though he's now complete. She wraps his arm around herself, clutching him tightly. She is beyond harm's reach when he's with her.
Dreams and Reality
While it probably wouldn't happen in real life, here's my dream for California politics: we elect Arnold as governor, someone with close to a million times the personality and charisma of current governor Gray Davis. My greatest vision is of next year's budget negotiations. If it starts to look like it's going to be a repeat of this year, 30-some days late, I want to dream that my governor could go in there and kick their asses to force a resolution, rather than sitting around like a wet blanket in the governor's mansion. Pound 'em into submission. That's the way to reform California politics.
While it probably wouldn't happen in real life, here's my dream for California politics: we elect Arnold as governor, someone with close to a million times the personality and charisma of current governor Gray Davis. My greatest vision is of next year's budget negotiations. If it starts to look like it's going to be a repeat of this year, 30-some days late, I want to dream that my governor could go in there and kick their asses to force a resolution, rather than sitting around like a wet blanket in the governor's mansion. Pound 'em into submission. That's the way to reform California politics.
Somebody's Got a Case of the Mondays
Yes, I do live in the Office Space office. Why do you ask?
I'm dealing with someone who gave me a project on Thursday at noon. This project required that I edit the document, send it to a third-party company for formatting and beautification, and then return it to the original person (we'll call him Mr M) for approval. So on Thursday I edited it, and sent it over to the vendor's queue. Now, looking at their to-do list, they have approximately 25 projects going on for this group alone, 11 of which have come from Mr M in the last 10 days. This morning I have two e-mails from Mr M: "where is this project? can you accelerate the timeline?" I try to be diplomatic, but what I really want to say is that if you want it done before your deadline, you need to submit it with advance notice. Your lack of planning should not result in a crisis for three people in two companies. Things are worked on as they are received. Deal with it. This is the same person that would have a cow if someone else deemed their own projects to be critical and pushed his out of line.
Yes, I do live in the Office Space office. Why do you ask?
I'm dealing with someone who gave me a project on Thursday at noon. This project required that I edit the document, send it to a third-party company for formatting and beautification, and then return it to the original person (we'll call him Mr M) for approval. So on Thursday I edited it, and sent it over to the vendor's queue. Now, looking at their to-do list, they have approximately 25 projects going on for this group alone, 11 of which have come from Mr M in the last 10 days. This morning I have two e-mails from Mr M: "where is this project? can you accelerate the timeline?" I try to be diplomatic, but what I really want to say is that if you want it done before your deadline, you need to submit it with advance notice. Your lack of planning should not result in a crisis for three people in two companies. Things are worked on as they are received. Deal with it. This is the same person that would have a cow if someone else deemed their own projects to be critical and pushed his out of line.
Sunday, August 10, 2003
Ow
I think I have tendinitis in my right foot. This sucks.
I think I have tendinitis in my right foot. This sucks.
Saturday, August 09, 2003
It Worked
Dear god, it worked. I kept my mouth shut for six weeks and managed to pull off a surprise party. I would never have imagined that it would have worked, but then suddenly, there it was: a stunned C staring at a crowd of birthday well-wishers. I'm so impressed that I managed to pull it off.
Dear god, it worked. I kept my mouth shut for six weeks and managed to pull off a surprise party. I would never have imagined that it would have worked, but then suddenly, there it was: a stunned C staring at a crowd of birthday well-wishers. I'm so impressed that I managed to pull it off.
Thursday, August 07, 2003
Love and Friendship
So many people don't understand the difference between the two. I know so many people who say that they're in love, but on the friendship list, the significant other doesn't even exist. Just because you love someone doesn't mean that you're friends. Do you want to call him? Hang out with him? Have lunch with him? Can you tell him everything? Then you have a friend. Do you barely speak, rarely do anything together, hardly eat together, and share little trust? That's not friendship. And love just isn't anything without it.
I guess I've been lucky. There have been a handful of guys that I've loved and considered to be friends, some of whom, to this very day, I maintain that extended mix of feelings for. When I think of it that way, I've been really lucky.
So many people don't understand the difference between the two. I know so many people who say that they're in love, but on the friendship list, the significant other doesn't even exist. Just because you love someone doesn't mean that you're friends. Do you want to call him? Hang out with him? Have lunch with him? Can you tell him everything? Then you have a friend. Do you barely speak, rarely do anything together, hardly eat together, and share little trust? That's not friendship. And love just isn't anything without it.
I guess I've been lucky. There have been a handful of guys that I've loved and considered to be friends, some of whom, to this very day, I maintain that extended mix of feelings for. When I think of it that way, I've been really lucky.
Government
Could Arnold possibly be any worse than Davis in the role of Governor? Somehow I don't think so.
Could Arnold possibly be any worse than Davis in the role of Governor? Somehow I don't think so.
Wednesday, August 06, 2003
{x} current clothes: swishy black pants, blue tank top, the bead necklace I made
{x} current mood: bored and anxious
{x} current taste: vague memory of a watermelon Jolly Rancher
{x} current hair: flat, vaguely wavy
{x} current annoyance: people, mostly
{x} current smell: vanilla moisturizer
{x} current desktop picture: dolphins
{x} current book: Perfect I'm Not: Boomer on Backaches, Brawls, Beer and Baseball by David Wells
{x} current refreshment: water, and tons of it
{x} current worry: what don't I worry about?
{x} current favorite celebrity: Spike from Buffy
{x} who do you like: sort of a vague question, isn't it?
{x} who likes you: you'd have to ask them
{x} what do you want to do: take a nap, preferably on a tropical beach with cool breezes and the sound of crashing waves
{x} who is one person you never get sick of: after 8 years, I'd have to answer that it would be C
{x} what would you take if you were stuck on a deserted island? assuming that I wanted to be there? books, sunscreen. If not, a boat or raft.
{x} who would you take to that island if you had to take anyone, dead or alive? if I take someone, it wouldn't be deserted
{x} do you like water? yes
{x} if your house was on fire and you could only save one thing, what would you save? they say that you can replace everything but photos
{x} have you ever said `i love you` and not meant it? yes
{x} what time is it? 2:41
{x} what time did you wake up this morning? 7:45, a full 45 minutes after the alarm went off
{x} who would you trade places with for a day? HHK, because I'd really love to understand how she raises twins and an infant without going nuts
{x} have you ever been told you look like a celebrity? I've been told that I have a celebrity aura, but not that I look like anyone in particular. It's the height.
{x} finish this sentence: "i wouldn't be caught dead..." I'm drawing a complete blank
{x} what is the worst thing that can happen on a date? I guess it depends on who you're dating and whether he's a serial killer or not.
{x} would you rather live in the mountains or by the ocean? I'm inclined to say ocean, yet I really love the mountains.
Last time you've?..
{x} cried: at least a few weeks
{x} bought something: today, plywood and garden shears at Home Depot
{x} gotten sick: nothing major since the pleurisy
{x} eaten: about two hours ago
{x} been kissed: a day and a half ago
{x} talked to an ex: this morning
{x} had a serious talk: I have serious talks fairly regularly, so they don't really stand out in my memory
{x} missed someone: today
{x} hugged someone: last night
{x} had a boyfriend: as in recurring dates? ages and ages and ages... quite possibly three or four lifetimes ago
{x} had a pager: over a year
{x} are you center of attention or a wall flower: wallflower, hate attention from a group, but attention from an individual is great
{x} what type of automobile do you drive: Audi
{x} do you like being around people: yes, but I can still feel lonely even in a group
{x} who is your role model: I don't think I have one
{x} have you ever cried over the opposite sex: yes
{x} rather have a relationship or a "hookup": a good relationship is definitely preferred to a hookup, but a hookup is preferred to a bad relationship
{x} ever liked your best guy friend: yes, as much as I hated to admit it
{x} do you want to get married: already am
{x} do you want kids: I'm inclined to say no, mostly out of fear, but I haven't made any final decisions yet
{x} are you happy with your life: more or less, although there are things I'd like to change
{x} if you could change something in your life right now, what would it be: career & finances
Last Person That..
1. Called You: someone work-related
2. Slept In Your Bed: me, alone
3. Saw You Cry: C
4. Made You Cry: situations make me cry, not people
5. Spent The Night At Your House: K&J
6. Shared A Drink With: C
7. You Went To The Movies With: C
8. You Went To The Mall With: I go to the mall alone
9. Yelled At You: VP
10. Sent You An Email: spammers
11. Said They Were Gonna Kill You: I can't recall a situation where someone did
Have You Ever..
1. Been To New York?: yes
2. Been To Florida? yes
3. California?: yes
4. Hawaii? yes
5. Mexico?: for 5 minutes, long story
6. China?: no
7. Canada?: yes
8. Danced Naked: wouldn't you like to know?
9. Had A Dream About Sometthing Weird and the next day it happened? yes, it's that freaky semi-psychic thing
10. Stalked Someone?: no; haven't been stalked since college
11. Had A Mud Bath?: no
12. Wished You Were The Opposite Sex: yes, but just to check it out for a day
13. Had An Imaginary Friend?: no
This Or That...
1. apples or bananas?: whatever's handy
2. Blue or Red?: red
3. Backstreet Boys or N Sync?: nsync
4. Wal Mart Or Target: Target
5. Spring Or Fall?: we don't have seasons here, but back east I preferred fall
6. Santa Or Rudolph?: santa
7. Math Or English?: math
Some Other Stuff...
1. What Are You Going To Do After You Finish This Survey?: wait for 3:00 so I can leave
2. What Was The Last Meal You Ate: McDonalds cheeseburgers
3. How Many Of Your Buddies are on?: 2
4. Last Movie You Saw?: Four Weddings & a Funeral on cable rerun
5. Last Noise You Heard: the annoying laugh of the admin
1. Last Time You Went Out Of State: June
2. Lucky #: 13
3. Things You Like In A Guy/Girl: smile, personality, sense of humor, beautiful eyes
4. Weirdest Thing About you? it's all weird
5. Do you have a crush on someone?: yes
6. Do Your Friends know?: I never asked, but they might have picked up on it
7. What Do You Think About Ouiji boards?: fun for preteens at sleepovers
8. What Book Are You Reading Now?: Perfect I'm Not... didn't I answer this already?
9. What's On Your Mouse Pad?: partner company logo
10. Best Feeling in The World: the electric moment right before a first kiss
11. What Is The First Thing You Think When You Wake In The Morning?: I don't think, I just growl and mutter until the shower brings me back to life
12. Have You Ever Died?: not to my knowledge
13. Roller Coaster? hate 'em
14. How Many Rings Before You Answer The Phone: as few as possible because I hate to hear phones ring
15. Future Daughter's Name:
16. Future Son's Name:
17. Chocolate Or Vanilla?: vanilla
18. Do You Sleep With A Stuffed Animal? no
19. What's your favorite alcoholic drink?: apple martini, lemon drop martini or vodka cranberry
20. If You Could Have Any Job You Wanted, What Would It Be?: If I knew that I'd be doing it. I know for sure that it's not this.
21. What Is Your Favorite soft drink?: coke
22. Are You A Lefty, Righty, Ambidextrous?: primarily righty, vaguely ambidextrous
{x} current mood: bored and anxious
{x} current taste: vague memory of a watermelon Jolly Rancher
{x} current hair: flat, vaguely wavy
{x} current annoyance: people, mostly
{x} current smell: vanilla moisturizer
{x} current desktop picture: dolphins
{x} current book: Perfect I'm Not: Boomer on Backaches, Brawls, Beer and Baseball by David Wells
{x} current refreshment: water, and tons of it
{x} current worry: what don't I worry about?
{x} current favorite celebrity: Spike from Buffy
{x} who do you like: sort of a vague question, isn't it?
{x} who likes you: you'd have to ask them
{x} what do you want to do: take a nap, preferably on a tropical beach with cool breezes and the sound of crashing waves
{x} who is one person you never get sick of: after 8 years, I'd have to answer that it would be C
{x} what would you take if you were stuck on a deserted island? assuming that I wanted to be there? books, sunscreen. If not, a boat or raft.
{x} who would you take to that island if you had to take anyone, dead or alive? if I take someone, it wouldn't be deserted
{x} do you like water? yes
{x} if your house was on fire and you could only save one thing, what would you save? they say that you can replace everything but photos
{x} have you ever said `i love you` and not meant it? yes
{x} what time is it? 2:41
{x} what time did you wake up this morning? 7:45, a full 45 minutes after the alarm went off
{x} who would you trade places with for a day? HHK, because I'd really love to understand how she raises twins and an infant without going nuts
{x} have you ever been told you look like a celebrity? I've been told that I have a celebrity aura, but not that I look like anyone in particular. It's the height.
{x} finish this sentence: "i wouldn't be caught dead..." I'm drawing a complete blank
{x} what is the worst thing that can happen on a date? I guess it depends on who you're dating and whether he's a serial killer or not.
{x} would you rather live in the mountains or by the ocean? I'm inclined to say ocean, yet I really love the mountains.
Last time you've?..
{x} cried: at least a few weeks
{x} bought something: today, plywood and garden shears at Home Depot
{x} gotten sick: nothing major since the pleurisy
{x} eaten: about two hours ago
{x} been kissed: a day and a half ago
{x} talked to an ex: this morning
{x} had a serious talk: I have serious talks fairly regularly, so they don't really stand out in my memory
{x} missed someone: today
{x} hugged someone: last night
{x} had a boyfriend: as in recurring dates? ages and ages and ages... quite possibly three or four lifetimes ago
{x} had a pager: over a year
{x} are you center of attention or a wall flower: wallflower, hate attention from a group, but attention from an individual is great
{x} what type of automobile do you drive: Audi
{x} do you like being around people: yes, but I can still feel lonely even in a group
{x} who is your role model: I don't think I have one
{x} have you ever cried over the opposite sex: yes
{x} rather have a relationship or a "hookup": a good relationship is definitely preferred to a hookup, but a hookup is preferred to a bad relationship
{x} ever liked your best guy friend: yes, as much as I hated to admit it
{x} do you want to get married: already am
{x} do you want kids: I'm inclined to say no, mostly out of fear, but I haven't made any final decisions yet
{x} are you happy with your life: more or less, although there are things I'd like to change
{x} if you could change something in your life right now, what would it be: career & finances
Last Person That..
1. Called You: someone work-related
2. Slept In Your Bed: me, alone
3. Saw You Cry: C
4. Made You Cry: situations make me cry, not people
5. Spent The Night At Your House: K&J
6. Shared A Drink With: C
7. You Went To The Movies With: C
8. You Went To The Mall With: I go to the mall alone
9. Yelled At You: VP
10. Sent You An Email: spammers
11. Said They Were Gonna Kill You: I can't recall a situation where someone did
Have You Ever..
1. Been To New York?: yes
2. Been To Florida? yes
3. California?: yes
4. Hawaii? yes
5. Mexico?: for 5 minutes, long story
6. China?: no
7. Canada?: yes
8. Danced Naked: wouldn't you like to know?
9. Had A Dream About Sometthing Weird and the next day it happened? yes, it's that freaky semi-psychic thing
10. Stalked Someone?: no; haven't been stalked since college
11. Had A Mud Bath?: no
12. Wished You Were The Opposite Sex: yes, but just to check it out for a day
13. Had An Imaginary Friend?: no
This Or That...
1. apples or bananas?: whatever's handy
2. Blue or Red?: red
3. Backstreet Boys or N Sync?: nsync
4. Wal Mart Or Target: Target
5. Spring Or Fall?: we don't have seasons here, but back east I preferred fall
6. Santa Or Rudolph?: santa
7. Math Or English?: math
Some Other Stuff...
1. What Are You Going To Do After You Finish This Survey?: wait for 3:00 so I can leave
2. What Was The Last Meal You Ate: McDonalds cheeseburgers
3. How Many Of Your Buddies are on?: 2
4. Last Movie You Saw?: Four Weddings & a Funeral on cable rerun
5. Last Noise You Heard: the annoying laugh of the admin
1. Last Time You Went Out Of State: June
2. Lucky #: 13
3. Things You Like In A Guy/Girl: smile, personality, sense of humor, beautiful eyes
4. Weirdest Thing About you? it's all weird
5. Do you have a crush on someone?: yes
6. Do Your Friends know?: I never asked, but they might have picked up on it
7. What Do You Think About Ouiji boards?: fun for preteens at sleepovers
8. What Book Are You Reading Now?: Perfect I'm Not... didn't I answer this already?
9. What's On Your Mouse Pad?: partner company logo
10. Best Feeling in The World: the electric moment right before a first kiss
11. What Is The First Thing You Think When You Wake In The Morning?: I don't think, I just growl and mutter until the shower brings me back to life
12. Have You Ever Died?: not to my knowledge
13. Roller Coaster? hate 'em
14. How Many Rings Before You Answer The Phone: as few as possible because I hate to hear phones ring
15. Future Daughter's Name:
16. Future Son's Name:
17. Chocolate Or Vanilla?: vanilla
18. Do You Sleep With A Stuffed Animal? no
19. What's your favorite alcoholic drink?: apple martini, lemon drop martini or vodka cranberry
20. If You Could Have Any Job You Wanted, What Would It Be?: If I knew that I'd be doing it. I know for sure that it's not this.
21. What Is Your Favorite soft drink?: coke
22. Are You A Lefty, Righty, Ambidextrous?: primarily righty, vaguely ambidextrous
The End of Friendships
I finally talked to R last night, and I'm no less angry than I had been before (especially because he had the nerve to call in the middle of Queer Eye... thank god for Tivo). His royal highness offered up some lame excuse for why he's in Florida right now instead of coming to California for his friend's surprise party, but he assures me that he'll be coming out for a visit in October. I'll believe it when I see it. Pigs will fly and hell will freeze over before that happens. Of course, maybe he's counting on hitching a free ride on a flying pig to get here, because god knows that he'll never pay for a ticket (and I now refuse to buy him one).
I have a large knot in my neck. Do you think I could call in a professional to give me a massage while I sit here and work?
Tonight, in between all of the pilates and softball, I need to clean the house for the surprise party. I also need to repair the back deck and clean up the yard, but I suspect that I should wait until daylight hours to do that. It's a good thing that I'm staying home on Friday to get this stuff done. I still don't really know how I'm going to pull it all off.
I finally talked to R last night, and I'm no less angry than I had been before (especially because he had the nerve to call in the middle of Queer Eye... thank god for Tivo). His royal highness offered up some lame excuse for why he's in Florida right now instead of coming to California for his friend's surprise party, but he assures me that he'll be coming out for a visit in October. I'll believe it when I see it. Pigs will fly and hell will freeze over before that happens. Of course, maybe he's counting on hitching a free ride on a flying pig to get here, because god knows that he'll never pay for a ticket (and I now refuse to buy him one).
I have a large knot in my neck. Do you think I could call in a professional to give me a massage while I sit here and work?
Tonight, in between all of the pilates and softball, I need to clean the house for the surprise party. I also need to repair the back deck and clean up the yard, but I suspect that I should wait until daylight hours to do that. It's a good thing that I'm staying home on Friday to get this stuff done. I still don't really know how I'm going to pull it all off.
Tuesday, August 05, 2003
Life Fiction
It's been ages since I wrote anything fictional, anything more than journal entries and observations. That's not what this was supposed to be. This was supposed to be my forum for brilliant writings. Instead, it's perilously close to the diary that I always thought I would keep and never did.
I've had lots of dreams lately, dreams about people that I haven't seen in a while and might not ever see again. Some of them are people I've been close to, others are people that I've known, but not known well. There doesn't seem to be any pattern to it, other than the fact that they're all known people in my dreams, as opposed to those dream-people that seem vaguely familiar but aren't anyone you really know.
One involved an old friend, someone that I thought I was close to, but never really was. I was out with him, someplace unfamiliar, and he was angry and left the place. I ran after him in the rain, apologetic for whatever I might have done, but unsure that it was really my fault. I caught up with him, soaking wet from the downpour, and tried to put my arm around him. The moment we touched it was like the past was meaningless and the future was infinite. I was breathless, desperate to apologize, and energized by the contact. He pulled away and I was left with the largest void I'd ever felt in my soul. I begged him to stop and come back to me, but he walked away, disappearing rapidly in the darkness, hearing nothing but wet footsteps as he departed. I cried, empty, wishing that he didn't have that power over me, wondering how I could ever feel this way about someone I knew so superficially.
That's all.
It's been ages since I wrote anything fictional, anything more than journal entries and observations. That's not what this was supposed to be. This was supposed to be my forum for brilliant writings. Instead, it's perilously close to the diary that I always thought I would keep and never did.
I've had lots of dreams lately, dreams about people that I haven't seen in a while and might not ever see again. Some of them are people I've been close to, others are people that I've known, but not known well. There doesn't seem to be any pattern to it, other than the fact that they're all known people in my dreams, as opposed to those dream-people that seem vaguely familiar but aren't anyone you really know.
One involved an old friend, someone that I thought I was close to, but never really was. I was out with him, someplace unfamiliar, and he was angry and left the place. I ran after him in the rain, apologetic for whatever I might have done, but unsure that it was really my fault. I caught up with him, soaking wet from the downpour, and tried to put my arm around him. The moment we touched it was like the past was meaningless and the future was infinite. I was breathless, desperate to apologize, and energized by the contact. He pulled away and I was left with the largest void I'd ever felt in my soul. I begged him to stop and come back to me, but he walked away, disappearing rapidly in the darkness, hearing nothing but wet footsteps as he departed. I cried, empty, wishing that he didn't have that power over me, wondering how I could ever feel this way about someone I knew so superficially.
That's all.
Things Are Looking Better
My boss is back today. With any luck, the complete insanity of the last two weeks will gradually fade away as she picks up some of the workload.
I still haven't heard back about my credit check from the commercial real estate company. I should pass, but it's starting to make me nervous that I've heard nothing after three full business days. How long does it take to run a credit check, anyway? Are they talking to every person that's ever met me?
I really need to spend the next several days working on the surprise party that I'm throwing for my husband. I've got 25 people coming to my house on Saturday, and so far I have no idea what the heck I'm doing. Excellent planning on my part, huh?
My boss is back today. With any luck, the complete insanity of the last two weeks will gradually fade away as she picks up some of the workload.
I still haven't heard back about my credit check from the commercial real estate company. I should pass, but it's starting to make me nervous that I've heard nothing after three full business days. How long does it take to run a credit check, anyway? Are they talking to every person that's ever met me?
I really need to spend the next several days working on the surprise party that I'm throwing for my husband. I've got 25 people coming to my house on Saturday, and so far I have no idea what the heck I'm doing. Excellent planning on my part, huh?
Monday, August 04, 2003
Rudolph
I just caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror, and with my sunburned nose I look like Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer.
I just caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror, and with my sunburned nose I look like Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer.
Weekend In Review
From the "I do like you, but..." files, I present the weekend with my brother-in-law and his soon-to-be wife.
They're both good people, but when you put them together it's like watching some sort of artificially sweet pre-teen romance where they sing little songs and make funny faces and giggle at each other. Surprisingly enough, I could tolerate this. I could even tolerate it when we went to dinner, he got fairly buzzed and proceeded to have a very loud conversation with the table next to us (and when I say loud, people at the other end of the restaurant were looking at him).
All that was fine until the game yesterday. He is your typical New York metro sports fan, loud, obnoxious, self-righteous and otherwise irritating. Therough most of the game the Yankees were leading 1-0. He's mocking the A's fans because his team is so much better, and how the Yankees always win and the A's fans need to get used to their superiority. On the very last pitch of the game, in the 9th inning, the A's score two runs and win. The crowd goes wild (and, I must say, without partisan politics, it was a great game -- what more can you ask for than a close contest that ends with the very last batter?) He starts getting all annoying. "These fans are acting like they just won the World Series. What losers. I guess just winning one game from the Yankees makes them feel good about themselves. How pathetic." I wanted to reach into the backseat and choke him. I'm sorry, but I just can't handle people who are both arrogant winners AND sore losers. So that really set me off and left me desperately craving some time alone. Fortunately, I've got that for most of the next four days.
From the "I do like you, but..." files, I present the weekend with my brother-in-law and his soon-to-be wife.
They're both good people, but when you put them together it's like watching some sort of artificially sweet pre-teen romance where they sing little songs and make funny faces and giggle at each other. Surprisingly enough, I could tolerate this. I could even tolerate it when we went to dinner, he got fairly buzzed and proceeded to have a very loud conversation with the table next to us (and when I say loud, people at the other end of the restaurant were looking at him).
All that was fine until the game yesterday. He is your typical New York metro sports fan, loud, obnoxious, self-righteous and otherwise irritating. Therough most of the game the Yankees were leading 1-0. He's mocking the A's fans because his team is so much better, and how the Yankees always win and the A's fans need to get used to their superiority. On the very last pitch of the game, in the 9th inning, the A's score two runs and win. The crowd goes wild (and, I must say, without partisan politics, it was a great game -- what more can you ask for than a close contest that ends with the very last batter?) He starts getting all annoying. "These fans are acting like they just won the World Series. What losers. I guess just winning one game from the Yankees makes them feel good about themselves. How pathetic." I wanted to reach into the backseat and choke him. I'm sorry, but I just can't handle people who are both arrogant winners AND sore losers. So that really set me off and left me desperately craving some time alone. Fortunately, I've got that for most of the next four days.
Friday, August 01, 2003
Like I Didn't Hate Work Enough
VP calls at home this morning before 8AM. "Aren't you in the office yet?" No, I'm cleaning. "Don't you think that's awfully irresponsible under the circumstances?" Uh, no, not really. I've busted my ass for a week and a half while my boss has been on vacation, I think I'm entitled to clean the house in the morning and come in at 9:00. "We have a situation, you know." No, I don't. I have no e-mail about it. Should I be using my psychic powers to determine how early I should come to the office? "You should really be more careful about your schedule. People might get the wrong idea." Here's my idea right now: bit tongue to keep from screaming my angry resignation into the phone.
VP calls at home this morning before 8AM. "Aren't you in the office yet?" No, I'm cleaning. "Don't you think that's awfully irresponsible under the circumstances?" Uh, no, not really. I've busted my ass for a week and a half while my boss has been on vacation, I think I'm entitled to clean the house in the morning and come in at 9:00. "We have a situation, you know." No, I don't. I have no e-mail about it. Should I be using my psychic powers to determine how early I should come to the office? "You should really be more careful about your schedule. People might get the wrong idea." Here's my idea right now: bit tongue to keep from screaming my angry resignation into the phone.
